he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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