I accidentally burped into my bong.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
