I skipped work to stalk him.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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