This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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