Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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