Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
