I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
