he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
