I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
