i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
