wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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