can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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