someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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