about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
