I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
