I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You're a disaster
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