You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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