well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
