So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
