i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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