Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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