K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
