It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
