No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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