Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
