no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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