I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
