I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
