you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
