sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
