Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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