On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
