You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
