Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
