i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
