We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
