I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
