Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
