I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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