I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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