we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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