It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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