I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Dick very happy bro
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