Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
