She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
