the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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