I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
the liver wants what the liver wants
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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