I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
