Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
