I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
