i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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