That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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