I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
